told you,you're my hardest goodbye.

Just something to hang on to when I look back to this year, this very year which have been unbelievably amazing as well as equally tiring. Let's just make this my final note for this year where I will try my very best to treasure the sweet, delete the pain; as someone has told me to. But it seems like that someone has left me all alone, again.

Who would have thought that this year was going to be the year where I was going to learn to handle so much loss, so much shocking news as well as so much pain? You know what hurts the most? It is when someone makes you loose something so dear to you and then making it return to you and then losing it again and again for a few times through the short span of a year? It is like giving you happiness and then taking it away; then returning the happiness and giving you high hopes and a heart full of joy when the next thing you know, it's gone again. It makes it worst when it happens again a day before something special, a day before a surprise was supposed to happen. But tomorrow's a brand new year, so maybe it's good as it is also a brand new start where everything can start afresh. Nevertheless, I'll still feel what I feel and you know it's going to take a long time to heal. How could you ever do this to me?

This year has also taught me to not trust people so easily, to be more matured in certain aspects of life, to appreciate certain things and to stand up for myself. I admit, the loss is painful, and I certainly don't have a single understanding to the reason given, but I guess I will need to deal with it although it happened too sudden. Think positive, stay cheerful.

I've had a great bunch of friends and they'll always be my great bunch of friends. I thank God for placing the best friends who understands me, who will walk all the way to my house just to go somewhere together, who will accompany me whenever I need someone, who gave me joy and so much more. I really appreciate someone who is very dear to me, who understands me and knows me best above all the rest, who will stay up with me, who did so many things with me and who has been such an amazing person in my life. I love you lar! :( But whatever it is that has happened, thank you for everything.

And for such a loving family, a wonderful extended family, a fun bunch of youth and a group of school friends who has helped me make my last year of high school life an amazing experience, a remarkable journey and a year not to be forgotten. To the group of people with the blue and white uniform, the prefect's, it's been a great time spent and a very worthwhile experience despite us being the bunch known for always being late for classes. It was also you people,the prefect's or more likely the prefect board where I've found something. I'll still treasure it though I've lost it.

And to God who has always been there for me, who has guided me in every step I took and about to take, who has provided and answered my prayers. No, I don't blame Him for what I've lost, perhaps as the quote that I stumbled upon this morning,

When God takes something from your grasp,
He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

He probably just have better plans for me.
Although I'm already satisfied with what I have.

Throughout this whole year, I've made someone worried; made at least someone upset;scolded at least someone; for the first time, slept over at a friend's place; written a story for someone; flew overseas without parental guidance; worked in a restaurant overseas; spent quality time with a few people I never thought I would have; did things I never imagine myself doing it; being left alone and so much more.

You. leave me so clueless and lost at times. What do you expect me to do? Again, now I'm lost and I don't understand what's happening. How am I suppose to heal from this wound?

Through it all, I'm still amazed that I'm still going strong. I mean, still trying to be strong. There were at first love shared, hugs given then tears shed and hearts broken. I'll just have to learn how to detached.

I just want to end this year happily, can't you even grant me that wish?

Remember, I'll still be waiting.

Happy seventeenth birthday!

yesterday morning.

When God takes something from your grasp,
He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

so that's why I lost something precious?

i can only count till four.

by definition, a crush must hurt.

no wonder it hurts.

but what if it's not just a crush? like a punch or a stab?

ha-ha I'm being sarcastic.

being a half.

'someone to stay true to you.'

'new love to appear in your life when you least expected it'

both from a fortune cookie. now I can really laugh out loud.

laugh till it hurts.

last flight home.

those words, those sentences, those emotions.

to delete or to save them?

just in case, perhaps some years later, I'll need them all again.

it all happened for a reason...

All of a sudden, I feel like I've lost a part of me. Like a puzzle without it's last designated piece.

To a dearest friend of mine,
Thank you for your letter and your words of wisdom. Your name now seems to be etched deep down inside me somewhere after reading what you had to say. You were right at some points, perhaps right about most of what I read. And I'm really sorry if I metaphorical speaking, stab you in the heart or even cause a little bruise or scar somewhere. Really, as I went through every word written down, I was amazed at how much you understood me, how much you know about the whole picture. Perhaps I have always been in my daze but at times, I can't help but to feel left out as well. I admit that I can't help but to agree to what you have written down for me, nevertheless, there are still certain parts of it which are untrue. Truth be told, you amazed me and I'm glad I have you as someone to correct me of my mistakes, to help me into a better person and to be there for me without a single complain or request. After a few days of pondering upon what happened earlier, but before reading your letter, I was very sure of myself and had an urge to tell you something, about how I felt after what you told me that night. perhaps you don't remember what you said to me, but it's all alright now and I'm ready to forget all of it. And as you said, we're human and we tend not to see the clearer view of the current situations, but that is also why God placed you in my life, to pull me out of the blur into a place where I can see things clearer,with you. I really thank you for reminding me of my mistakes, of my wrong doings, and for your sincere thoughts. I want to apologise for what you felt during my period of absence in your life, I didn't know that it would have affected you so badly, but that was the time when I really needed to take a rest from the chaos for a while. Don't worry, I'll try my very best to prevent it from happening again. Now, I can't help but to read the letter over and over again, with your name crystal clear stamped before my mind.

You are right, we were both chosen for a reason. and with that, I hope our friendship will continue to be strong and long-lasting, with love, joy and peace added onto it.

And to your last request, I promise to not let you do it alone. But let us just keep this a secret between the both of us and our Father who arts above, promise?

If you can, please stay anonymous, okay?

p.s your christmas present on the way. ;) and you take care too.

... and that reason is you & I.

dearest.

dear you,

if you see this. i'm already missing you so much. :(

already feeling home sick on the first night.

mkty, you know what it means.

it was cold yesterday night.

it was cold yesterday night
that i got up in the middle of the night
and caught myself shivering in fright.

i hugged and tugged myself tight,
but it didn't feel right.

where were you last night?

because i couldn't suppress my worry.

two over four.

when there's only two out of four people in a group present, we feel incomplete.

just kidding. ;)

so today, there were only the two of us- Dana and myself. because some two boys suddenly couldn't make it. we walked around the mall like nobody's business and got the stuff we needed. And I got what I needed, right? (: walked and walked and walked until our feet were so sore. so we sat down and had lunch. Then we continued with what we had to do - get presents! Went to mph for a while to check out the books and we bumped into wing yew. And then we made a sudden decision to watch twilight, a very sudden-quick-random-we-made-our-decision-in-30-seconds decision. It was ... nice. Going to read the book tonight. I know I'm late, just that I wasn't much of a fan until my dearest cousin came telling me about it plus my good friend kok khong's fondness for the book plus someone else who read the book. so I said, why not? since everyone likes it and it seems quite of a good read to me. =)

you two boys, better make sure you guys come tomorrow! If not, I'll interrogate you on thursday, my dear kawan baiks.

On another random note,
Congrats to miss cousin! I know you're happy and excited, so am I. If only you could come with us to ..... you know where. And I want to hear the recording. xD

I am well, falling sick.
But this week is going to be a great ride.

with you alone.

when i couldn't fall asleep.

I'll walk between the woods, find a tree and carve your name on it.

It's okay if the carvings fade one day, because it's already etched deep down in this heart of mine.