told you,you're my hardest goodbye.

Just something to hang on to when I look back to this year, this very year which have been unbelievably amazing as well as equally tiring. Let's just make this my final note for this year where I will try my very best to treasure the sweet, delete the pain; as someone has told me to. But it seems like that someone has left me all alone, again.

Who would have thought that this year was going to be the year where I was going to learn to handle so much loss, so much shocking news as well as so much pain? You know what hurts the most? It is when someone makes you loose something so dear to you and then making it return to you and then losing it again and again for a few times through the short span of a year? It is like giving you happiness and then taking it away; then returning the happiness and giving you high hopes and a heart full of joy when the next thing you know, it's gone again. It makes it worst when it happens again a day before something special, a day before a surprise was supposed to happen. But tomorrow's a brand new year, so maybe it's good as it is also a brand new start where everything can start afresh. Nevertheless, I'll still feel what I feel and you know it's going to take a long time to heal. How could you ever do this to me?

This year has also taught me to not trust people so easily, to be more matured in certain aspects of life, to appreciate certain things and to stand up for myself. I admit, the loss is painful, and I certainly don't have a single understanding to the reason given, but I guess I will need to deal with it although it happened too sudden. Think positive, stay cheerful.

I've had a great bunch of friends and they'll always be my great bunch of friends. I thank God for placing the best friends who understands me, who will walk all the way to my house just to go somewhere together, who will accompany me whenever I need someone, who gave me joy and so much more. I really appreciate someone who is very dear to me, who understands me and knows me best above all the rest, who will stay up with me, who did so many things with me and who has been such an amazing person in my life. I love you lar! :( But whatever it is that has happened, thank you for everything.

And for such a loving family, a wonderful extended family, a fun bunch of youth and a group of school friends who has helped me make my last year of high school life an amazing experience, a remarkable journey and a year not to be forgotten. To the group of people with the blue and white uniform, the prefect's, it's been a great time spent and a very worthwhile experience despite us being the bunch known for always being late for classes. It was also you people,the prefect's or more likely the prefect board where I've found something. I'll still treasure it though I've lost it.

And to God who has always been there for me, who has guided me in every step I took and about to take, who has provided and answered my prayers. No, I don't blame Him for what I've lost, perhaps as the quote that I stumbled upon this morning,

When God takes something from your grasp,
He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

He probably just have better plans for me.
Although I'm already satisfied with what I have.

Throughout this whole year, I've made someone worried; made at least someone upset;scolded at least someone; for the first time, slept over at a friend's place; written a story for someone; flew overseas without parental guidance; worked in a restaurant overseas; spent quality time with a few people I never thought I would have; did things I never imagine myself doing it; being left alone and so much more.

You. leave me so clueless and lost at times. What do you expect me to do? Again, now I'm lost and I don't understand what's happening. How am I suppose to heal from this wound?

Through it all, I'm still amazed that I'm still going strong. I mean, still trying to be strong. There were at first love shared, hugs given then tears shed and hearts broken. I'll just have to learn how to detached.

I just want to end this year happily, can't you even grant me that wish?

Remember, I'll still be waiting.

Happy seventeenth birthday!

yesterday morning.

When God takes something from your grasp,
He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

so that's why I lost something precious?

i can only count till four.

by definition, a crush must hurt.

no wonder it hurts.

but what if it's not just a crush? like a punch or a stab?

ha-ha I'm being sarcastic.

being a half.

'someone to stay true to you.'

'new love to appear in your life when you least expected it'

both from a fortune cookie. now I can really laugh out loud.

laugh till it hurts.

last flight home.

those words, those sentences, those emotions.

to delete or to save them?

just in case, perhaps some years later, I'll need them all again.

it all happened for a reason...

All of a sudden, I feel like I've lost a part of me. Like a puzzle without it's last designated piece.

To a dearest friend of mine,
Thank you for your letter and your words of wisdom. Your name now seems to be etched deep down inside me somewhere after reading what you had to say. You were right at some points, perhaps right about most of what I read. And I'm really sorry if I metaphorical speaking, stab you in the heart or even cause a little bruise or scar somewhere. Really, as I went through every word written down, I was amazed at how much you understood me, how much you know about the whole picture. Perhaps I have always been in my daze but at times, I can't help but to feel left out as well. I admit that I can't help but to agree to what you have written down for me, nevertheless, there are still certain parts of it which are untrue. Truth be told, you amazed me and I'm glad I have you as someone to correct me of my mistakes, to help me into a better person and to be there for me without a single complain or request. After a few days of pondering upon what happened earlier, but before reading your letter, I was very sure of myself and had an urge to tell you something, about how I felt after what you told me that night. perhaps you don't remember what you said to me, but it's all alright now and I'm ready to forget all of it. And as you said, we're human and we tend not to see the clearer view of the current situations, but that is also why God placed you in my life, to pull me out of the blur into a place where I can see things clearer,with you. I really thank you for reminding me of my mistakes, of my wrong doings, and for your sincere thoughts. I want to apologise for what you felt during my period of absence in your life, I didn't know that it would have affected you so badly, but that was the time when I really needed to take a rest from the chaos for a while. Don't worry, I'll try my very best to prevent it from happening again. Now, I can't help but to read the letter over and over again, with your name crystal clear stamped before my mind.

You are right, we were both chosen for a reason. and with that, I hope our friendship will continue to be strong and long-lasting, with love, joy and peace added onto it.

And to your last request, I promise to not let you do it alone. But let us just keep this a secret between the both of us and our Father who arts above, promise?

If you can, please stay anonymous, okay?

p.s your christmas present on the way. ;) and you take care too.

... and that reason is you & I.

dearest.

dear you,

if you see this. i'm already missing you so much. :(

already feeling home sick on the first night.

mkty, you know what it means.

it was cold yesterday night.

it was cold yesterday night
that i got up in the middle of the night
and caught myself shivering in fright.

i hugged and tugged myself tight,
but it didn't feel right.

where were you last night?

because i couldn't suppress my worry.

two over four.

when there's only two out of four people in a group present, we feel incomplete.

just kidding. ;)

so today, there were only the two of us- Dana and myself. because some two boys suddenly couldn't make it. we walked around the mall like nobody's business and got the stuff we needed. And I got what I needed, right? (: walked and walked and walked until our feet were so sore. so we sat down and had lunch. Then we continued with what we had to do - get presents! Went to mph for a while to check out the books and we bumped into wing yew. And then we made a sudden decision to watch twilight, a very sudden-quick-random-we-made-our-decision-in-30-seconds decision. It was ... nice. Going to read the book tonight. I know I'm late, just that I wasn't much of a fan until my dearest cousin came telling me about it plus my good friend kok khong's fondness for the book plus someone else who read the book. so I said, why not? since everyone likes it and it seems quite of a good read to me. =)

you two boys, better make sure you guys come tomorrow! If not, I'll interrogate you on thursday, my dear kawan baiks.

On another random note,
Congrats to miss cousin! I know you're happy and excited, so am I. If only you could come with us to ..... you know where. And I want to hear the recording. xD

I am well, falling sick.
But this week is going to be a great ride.

with you alone.

when i couldn't fall asleep.

I'll walk between the woods, find a tree and carve your name on it.

It's okay if the carvings fade one day, because it's already etched deep down in this heart of mine.

equally amazing.

I am tired. full stop. but I want to stay awake for something later. so, I'll just keep myself occupied by doing this. (:

And so the giant lurking around me has gone back to hibernation. It will still be tailing around some people until the 4th of December. But mean while, I'm done with my fifth form examination. -insert dancing jellybean- haha. So I took out my to-do list and went through it. Figuratively speaking, I just went through it in my mind. Much to my surprise, I still remember what I studied even though I thought I would have already deleted most of them. After going through the imaginative list, I threw it to the back of my mind because I realised that my activities for December were already planned out and that there was no way what I wanted to do will be able to squeeze into the tightly packed agenda like the arrangement of particles in a solid state. It's okay, at least there's a plane ride arranged.

Christmas is coming and we're all getting excited about it. So am I. It's classical for someone to want a white Christmas, but I want a green Christmas all of a sudden. On green pastures, in a white broad field that expands endlessly towards the horizon, with the sun dancing in the sky, the wind blowing gently into your face, facing the big blue ocean with the gentle lapping of the waves while with your loved one by your side.

"The best thing I like about Christmas, is sharing it with you."

ohh and Capri just came to mind. There's just so many places I would like to visit, mostly of islands and country side. I'm not that big of a fan to big cities and skyscrapers or floods of people making their way through branded stores in exclusive places with lots and lots of advertisement promoting their own products. I prefer serenity and tranquility. The isle of Capri, Malibu island, Bali and Dolphin isle, places like these, they make me fall in love. Which makes being a marine biologist an even more interesting profession to me, because there would certainly be traveling and I can also write by the oceans when I have a beautiful evening to spend.

this was really random, out of the blue.

boy, I miss you.

the serenity of the night.

it's the little things you do in my life to me, for me that makes me happy.

c'est nous. <3

twenty eight of november two zero zero eight.

first thing in the morning.

first thing in the morning at 6.11 am.
I was dreaming and then reality stomped down on my imagination.
I wished for my dreams to stay, but reality tasted much sweeter.

another Friday to treasure.

of random questions.

tag= random questions. (:

A. Tag
the following people do not have to do the tag and some of which do not own a blog. this is just for fun, out or randomness. =)

1. Justine
2. Julian
3. Dana
4. Hoe Wei
5. Sherina
6. Gabriel
7. Chan Hoong
8. Joel C
9. Joshua
10. Kok Khong

How do you know 1-Justine?
She's miss cousin.

What would you do if you never met 2-Julian?
I won't have a kawan baik. whether it is to disturb, to talk, to share or to take random pictures with? xD boy, I'm going to miss you when you're away! :(

What would you do if 3-Dana & 4-Hoe Wei dated you?
It will never happen, kan dana? The both of them belong to each other.

Would 5-Sherina & 6-Gabriel make a good couple?
oh no! why did i put their names as 5 and 6? they're going to kill me. I have no comment. ;)

Do you think 7-Chan hoong is attractive?
(:

Do you know anything about 8's-Joel C family?
yes.

Tell me something about 9-Joshua.
He recently was found cheating on his first wife. xD

What language does 2-Julian speak?
Hwite man's language- english; bm with a very cute style; a bit broken chinese; a language of a mixture of mandarin,hokkien and cantonese; and his very own laguage which he usually speaks when we're around leaving us clueless.

Who is 3-Dana going out with?
Hoe wei. ;)

How old is 4-Hoe Wei?
seventeen.

Who is 6-Gabriel favourite singer?
I'm not sure about singer. But I'm pretty sure he likes Planet Shakers and Relient K. =)

Would you date 7-Chan Hoong?
what about him?

10-Kok Khong single?
I shall not reveal.

What is 9's-Joshua last name?
Joshua Goh Jun Hong. xD

Would you consider being in a relationship with 1-Justine?
we're already in a relationship. the cousinship.

Which school does 2-Julian go to?
we both just left high school yesterday.

What do you like about 3-Dana?
the big sister. haha she's friendly, independent. do you want me to write an autobiography of her?

intertwined

I want to go to the islands with you.

yes, you. (:

i sat by the stairs.

sat by the stairs, in the silhouettes.
she munched on a persimmon as she flipped the pages of the book.
she realized, ' what's left, is one more day. '
and then she closed the book and walked away.

one more day in uniform, one more day of seeing you in uniform.

and because of you.

a good morning smile
and
a goodbye wave.

It's all about you.

J to the power of three.

with three wonderful people to chat with online, I feel reluctant to get off the chair and continue studying bio. maybe I should just stay for a while more. because there's just so much to talk. (:

and the best part ?

They're names all begin with the letter J.

Justine, Joshua & Joel.

grey days.

45 hours and 22 minutes.

could you tell me what happened again?

I'm not letting go.

along with the tides.

Boy, I feel like having pancakes and waffles now.

There's pin-drop silence and strangely enough there's not even an urge or slight impulse to talk to anyone at this moment. With the placidity and serenity of the night, I might just stay up and write because that's when inspiration starts pouring in; making my mind wander off to fantasies and imaginations. To me,writing is a hobby, not an activity and I only share them with those that I want to share them with. So to a certain someone, that piece of writing really means a lot to me.

Now, I wonder when was the last time I actually sat down and wrote something that I would want to take out and read when I'm 60 years young. Perhaps this blog would be of a good read when I'm at that age. While I take my time in reading through my past writings and blog post as a growing kid, with a cup of coffee in hand and a beautiful evening to spend on the patio, I might re-discover myself and have a good laugh about myself. And I'm pretty sure that at that age, it will be a good time to reminisce about the younger days.

For the past few months, I have been quite caught up with unclassified stuff that perhaps I even past my minutes in a daze, making them into worthless memories. But all's good as some things are better left the way it is , untouched and unsaid. And with the big life-threatening giant [Read: spm examination] lurking around me, I have to think of ways and smart moves to defend myself. And much to my surprise, there are just a few bruises and scares here and there.

Come to think of it, I seem like some paranoid girl, afraid of wasting time that I will be starting my tertiary studies one month right after the giant goes back to hibernation. And no, contrary to what I'm about to do, I am not paranoid about it. I just well, need to do it because of certain subjects that I want to take and certain programmes that I have to attend. Maybe it's a good move, maybe it's God's timing and maybe it's just plainly co-incidents?

Oh gosh! and oh yes!, the giant is still here and the giant is about to leave me and my fellow friends soon. Liberation? But I'm going to miss the uniform, the environment, the familiar grounds and the friends that have been there at all times while I grow into who I am today.

There's more to write but I guess it's time to hit the hay. Good night! (:

missing you.

I can barely catch up.

Was today supposed to be like how it was? Because I don't want this again. It's just too difficult to believe, too hard to accept. I must say, I'm pretty keen to find the rewind and or pause button in life if the both actually do exist.

I never thought this would happen again. Maybe I am feeling a bit tired and exhausted about everything and just want something exciting, something different for a change. Or maybe it was me who was changing too much that no one could catch up on my pace. Now, doesn't it sounds like I'm contradicting myself? Because on the other hand, I can barely catch up as well.

I know, we tend to follow our heart, our feelings and our emotions while we pack and throw away our proper, right thoughts and conscience. Yet, at times I think what I'm being thrown with is just way too much for me to handle. Perhaps it's also human nature to take people for granted? Yea, I'm pretty sure about that.

I know it's normal to be at the peak of the mountain for a split second and the next thing you know, you're seeing the world upside down, while rolling down the hill. But, it feels like I'm already seeing the world upside down , all this while.

Now, does that spells fun to you?

Don't worry, this is just out of momentarily sadness and disappointment. I have my down times too. I'll be fine when .........
Well, hello Mr. sunshine.

the twinkle in you.

and how do I express everything? :)

can I like shout it out to you and tell you everything?
I'm sure I can, right? (;

because it's running through my veins, crashing into my mind and taking over my heart.

yes, you.

yea, definitely you.

two of us; one umbrella.

seventh! ;)

mkty.

ohh,ooh la la

from A to Z, we share so much in common.

so here's to a new journey together next year, starting January 2nd!

Congrats on obtaining the scholarship to the both of us!

make sure we exchange schedules and meet up for lunch or breaks in between classes though we'll be in different colleges with different subjects and an entirely new environment.

this is to the third person who knows me best. (:

miss jyjj.

the pink paper.

the pink paper of moral values.

boy, i feel like eating pink colour ice-cream now.
and purple colour ones.

with a cone of strawberry and yam ice cream in my left hand
and a frog shaped umbrella in my right
wearing a milky coloured sundress
and a white ribbon tied in the hair

roaming the streets of a country side
admiring the lush greenery
being blown in the face by a gush of wind
until I'm exhausted

where I'll finally come and lie down under the big blue sky
by the beach
and fall asleep to the gentle lapping of the waves.

I still feel like eating ice-cream.

make me say goodbye.

Ignorance is bliss.

well, let's see how long I can ignore everything and just focus on the upcoming papers.

Be strong, myself!

even if the forces of the world seemed to be against you, be strong and always believe in yourself.

'If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools'
- if, Rudyard Kipling

trust me, nothing's wrong.

before i leave

before i leave for the battle with my fellow dearest friends,

I want to thank everyone for their wishes and advices,
for their support and guidance,
for their love and care.

All the best of the best to everyone I'll be going through this with.

& with God who arts above, nothing is impossible!

see you soon! (:

meanwhile, take care and have fun.

because it's hard to say.

I don't like goodbye's.

especially in times like these,
it just adds salt to the wound.

is my name written in your diary?

tomorrow,
is the last day of school.

I feel reluctant to let go.

no more eden talks, no more walking back to class from science labs, no more fixed classes,
no more uniforms, no more sitting next to julian, no more sitting behind of hoe wei and dana, no more fixed recess time, no more sitting under that big wide roof, no more monday morning assemblies, no more running to chem lab to see pn.wong, no more going to the office to see pn.lim,no more going to the teacher's room to look for teachers, no more entering bio lab and sitting next to him, no more entering chemistry lab and ask teacher to let us play with the chemicals, no more entering physics lab and ask teacher to let us use the computer to go online whether it is youtube or any other physics-related sites, no more discipline room, no more detention centre, no more seeing the prefects duty, no more for the need to take a teacher's pass to go to the toilet, no more attendance taking by the class monitor, no more class conversations, no more add maths project, no more free periods use to play and talk, no more playing wearwolf with the classmates , no more being called as a class, no more staying back after school just for the fun of it, no more walking in my secret places in school, no more sitting by the window pane, no more ashman talking and laughing away, no more teasing piser about atikah, no more calling kok khong fishball, no more 'psst-ing' to faiz as I walk pass his class, no more big wide field, no more prefect duties, no more hanging out with the juniors, no more study group with the close friends, no more truth or dare session, no more getting nervous and asking for answers confirmation from edwin who sits at the back of me during exam as teacher is giving out the exam papers, no more school food, no more physical education classes, no more big shady tree just outside our class, no more walking over to your sit just to disturb you or ask you to teach me add maths, no more walking slowly back to class, no more walking slowly next to you , no more this , no more that..

& no more turning to a certain angle just to see you.

I remember, fridays are special.

see you.

I know I'll see you tomorrow.

(:

see youuu.

hey you;

just that special name will do.

like you in and out of a turtle shell.

reasons i can never say.

I write because I can't say.

that is why I write to you,
because I can't say those words.

But I don't want to make you sad.
I hope you too won't make me sad.

-scribbles in the little black book during physics yesterday.

and in amazement.

Alert: Major Exam around the corner. In less than 2 weeks, to be exact. And I'm still here. -insert cheeky, mischievous grin & semi frown face-

Yesterday, I manage to finish mission #1. Thank you miss cousin for helping out! Hopefully you'll like it.
yesterday, I sat down and wrote the long blog post with sherina. (:
yesterday, someone said someone injured himself. why lar you? Ask your Einstein brother to take care of you. xD
yesterday, the cousin and her friend came over.
yesterday, was the first day of a good friend's major exam.
yesterday, you made me sigh.

and today,
hopefully it'll be a better day. for you, for me and for the whole wide world!

off to study moral. (:

I'm a high school student with a college student ID number. (;

will i leave without you?

I cleared the path before me,
but I don't intend in walking down that road anytime soon.
Perhaps after a month or two,
after the final, hardest goodbye said to you;
you'll see me taking off.
but, I hope to see you down the road.
or shall we walk down that path, together?
- I don't want to say goodbye to you.

you're my hardest adieu.

am i living off the edge?

good night.


and you left me hanging...

knit us tightly together.

dearest youth,

shall we all squeeze into the back of a truck,
and make our way down the country side;
shall we sing along to the rhythm of our heartbeat,
and laugh like we've never laughed before.
and because this is us,
shall we make history together?
-from me to all of you.

you, play the violin so cutely!

you never fail to make me laugh and always going the extra mile,
just to make me smile.
I thank you for being such a great blessing and friend,
I'm sure you'll grow up to be a fine gentleman.
& you're my teddy bear buddy! (:
-this, to joel c.

of secret codes and every other secrets shared,
I hope I didn't made you mad.
you've been a great and best friend,
I hope this would not come to an end.
thank you, dear friend for every moment shared.
-this, to sherina.

a sweet young lady, a smart school student.
a pretty little girl, a cute little sister.
I have no other words to describe you,
but you've definitely grown into a matured fine lady.
you; always make our days with your cute, funny gestures and traits.
-this, to yiyi.

the name might be common,
but the person is definitely special.
from playing the piano to solving puzzling questions,
will you be the next Einstein?
or would you rather continue to be our very own monkey king?
-this, to joel g.

you are ever so compassionate,
always trying to help out in times of need.
I'm sorry if I didn't appreciate,
but I hope we'll never part at the same place we met.
-this, to joshua.

I don't quite know your name,
for you have many to contain.
is it crab? or is it chicken wing?
Although I used to be pretty afraid of you,
thank you for every ride to and fro.
-this, to gabriel.

bzzz..bzzz...aren't those what a bee does?
they buzz by, making those buzz noise.
but you, on the other hand;
have not only buzz by our lives,
you've stayed with us, through thick and thin.
and you're definitely a great sister!
stay strong and be courageous in all you do for He will lead you.
-this, to bibi.

from R to L,
form the right to the left;
you've always been there.
from playing the piano gracefully to baking a tasty cake,
what more you can't do?
-this, to rachel.

this girl,
sometimes we see you, and sometimes we don't.
whatever happens, I hope you would be able to join us more often in the coming future.
take care and God bless you always!
-this, to vivian.

although we may not converse much,
but you too, have been a great blessing to us all.
you and your nickname,
never fail to make us laugh.
God bless you and take care okay?
-this, to wee zcent.

someone so far away,
yet so near.
you're a little bit of a big brother, a little bit of a friend, a little bit of an adviser
and you're definitely a little bit of a great leader.
I hope you're enjoying your time over there!
Have fun.
-this, to wee ric.

A little brother, not very little.
A young man, not very big.
Shall I call you a boy?
Although we may not be very close,
but do join us more often okay?
We're always happy to have you around.
-this, to eu mun.

she said: happy birthday. 21 years old already right?
he said: yea, legal to enter the casino already.
you're like a long lost-long time no see kind of big brother,
so here's to a wonderful 21st year!
-this, to richard.
(and that's not my baby! xD)

I'm sorry for all that I've done wrong,
but you've been a great leader!
Perhaps I would have to say goodbye one day,
but I hope that this friendship will always stay.
and thank you for the times you've been with us!
-this, to esther.

from someone so quiet,
to someone so caring.
from someone who i barely knew,
to someone who is always there for us.
indeed, you're a very caring little man.
-this, to chee kent.
(i remember the times in cameron, when you insisted on buying more food for eu mun :])

you're a seventeen year old young lady,
with jars of happiness and dashes of love.
you've been missing a lot lately and I feel bad for not noticing,
but whatever it is, I hope that we'll always be friends.
-this, to evelyn.

It feels like having a big sister watching over us from far.
you always perform your dance gracefully,
like a flawless ballerina twirling around on the stage.
I guess that is why you're so graceful,
because that is your name, grace! =)

although you always say you're 20++ and a few more +,
we've never thought of you as someone older.
you're just like a big sister,
and us, being your little siblings.
thank you for all your guidance and care,
you've truly been a great blessing!
-this, to lai ming.

my dear yeye,
you're not that old after all.
you are always so full with your own thoughts and traits,
and I hope you'll join us more often, okay?
thank you yeye for that cute birthday present last year.
-this, to kalven.

the both of you,
one always so jovial, another always on the go.
but, both always so concern about us.
thank you to the both of you!
glad to have you two around.
-this, to chen hooi and chee hon.

you, always like to make jokes.
sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't.
but above all matters, you're a very talented boy.
use your talents, serve Him and always be a blessing to the rest, will you?
-this, to jonathan.

who else to turn to but you when it comes to badminton?
thank you for 'coaching' us few and
thank you for being a big brother to us all.
whose name do we mention when asked about the perhaps most matured guy among us?
I guess, without a doubt, your name!
-this, to chee kean.

from playing the guitar to playing the piano,
I guess you've been the cause of heartbreaks among many young girls? haha
you're not only like a big brother,
you're also a great friend.
I'm really glad that you're a part of us. (:
-this, to chee meng.

you, are a wonderful friend.
not only always going the extra mile in helping everyone out;
you're also caring and friendly.
thank you for all the memories we shared
and I'll definitely remember the young times we had.
-this, to aaron.

last but not least, you!

I will never forget the night we spent together.
the night when we couldn't sleep,
the night when it was so cold up in cameron's,
and the night that you stayed up with the both of us.
you're the only boy I've had this kind of girly conversations with,
and truth be told, I really really enjoyed your company!
& all secrets kept between us, right?
you, are an amazing brother and good friend.
with your humour and funny side, we always enjoy having you around.
shall we have more of these nights? ;)
-this, to my girl talk buddy, sheng jian.

all of you really mean something to me.
the above might not be much, but I really enjoy each and everyone of you.
and I thank God for all of you.

more happy moments together? (:

*sprinkles love to all of you*

my hardest goodnight?

你
心动了吗?

you caught me off guard.

I used to think you were just an illusion,
a confusing yet sweet illusion.
but now i know, you're not an illusion,
you're something so different,
you sure know how to surprise me.
- last night. (:

hey you. yes, you. I'm talking to you. Never thought you would enjoy badminton, would you? yea, I never thought I would enjoy that game of hitting, smashing and seeing a shuttlecock fly in mid-air. (: but I dare say I enjoyed it after yesterday. After church yesterday, on the contrary to what the cousin did, I went for badminton with the youth. I'm as hopeless as someone could get when it comes to badminton and aku memang tak tahu pasal permainan ini. jadi, macam mana nak main? but after a while and after many 'coaches', I got the hang of it and started enjoying myself.

And many many thanks to those who taught me, who beared with me and who willingly played with me. thank you! 谢谢您! terima kasih! merci! danke! ありがとうございました! 감사합니다!! grazie! (;

we then celebrated 4 people's belated/early birthday. but, sorry to someone because i fail to do something for you. ): got back home and tried to take a nap, but someone persistently prevented me from falling asleep. another *insert frown face here*

got ready and went to a church member's place for bbq dinner. Though my friends weren't there except for the two brothers, it was good. And thank you to the two brothers for talking to me!

But, I sure was surprised by what you did and you really caught me off guard.

on another happy note,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD!
(:

Have a happy happy birth-day and may you enjoy your 21st year.
God bless you always.

like you said, 21 years old already, legal age to enter the casino already. =)

where does boredom take you tonight?

-insert usual tag rules- (:
tagged by sherina.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be? take revenge?
:: Ask him what he thinks I should to do to him. then,I'll judge. *evil grin*

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
:: To always have you by my side.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
:: Nobody?

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
:: There's so much I would like to do. But first, give an offering unto the Lord.

5. Will you u fall in love with your best friend?
:: Definitely.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
:: Too hard to judge. Because I like the feeling of loving someone, and it's a blessing to me to be able to give out love and also because I'm lucky to be able to find someone to love. And then being loved by someone is also a blessing to us. At least we know someone out there loves us and accepts us for who we are.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
:: For as long as I can.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
:: Keep my love for him to myself until I'm ready to move on. But it's a if right? ;)

9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
:: boyfriend.

10. Will you invite for Ex bf/gf to your wedding dinner?
:: If I have one, definitely. I would also want him to be happy and make sure he marries someone he loves and he's happy with. If not, I won't approve! haha

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
:: Being me. (: Living, laughing, crying and enjoying every bit of blessings.

12. What's your fear?
:: I shall speak no fear of mine.

13. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
:: Married but poor.

15. Would you give all in a relationship?
:: What say you?

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
:: The one that loves me?

17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
:: Yes. But sometimes it might take a while.

18.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
:: Being in a relationship.

I want to tag..that someone. ;)

so, is this where boredom took me tonight?

simply because.

Father we ask of You this day, Come and heal our land
Knit our hearts together, That your glory may be seen in us
Then the world will know, That Jesus Christ is Lord

Let us be one voice, That glorifies Your name
Let us be one voice, Declaring that You reign
Let us be one voice, In love and harmony
And we pray, O God, grant us unity

Now is the time for you and I
To join our hearts in praise
That the name of Jesus
Will be lifted high above the earth
Then the world will know
That Jesus Christ is Lord

We sang this song during worship in cell group last night. And am I glad to say that this song spoke to me. Not only that, but also because it somehow was connected to the discussion we had. We learned about friends, to commit and to help them in times of need. Notice the words and lines in bold? Those are the words that spoke to me. They reminded me again that we're a family, a body and as cliché as it sounds, we're all in this together.

These words-us, we, our; they bind us together, they break down the walls between us. And oh Lord, knit our hearts together, that we may be close and bonded to bring glory to Your name, to praise You and worship You and to Love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.

And then we learned and discussed about friends. When you're in deep trouble, friends willingly be your hero's. But if they are unable to save you, they'll accompany you and get in trouble with you. (:

Indeed, yesterday night was not only a night of new hopes, new life lessons learned but also a brand new beginning. because all of a sudden, I felt the urge to apologize and say sorry for all that I've done and I'm more than happy because I did what I felt I needed to do and I'm going to forget about it. We had a prayer time for each other and thank You Lord, all glory and praises to You! Ended the night with the usual fellowship. ;)

boy, was the trip back home hilarious! Imagine two tall boys sitting on a space designated for one person. Yup, and then we took pictures whilst cramming ourselves like sardines-typical us!

Before I end this, this is a shoutout to the friends I've known and I have;

Every single one of you have been a great blessing in my life. Not only did you walk in and maybe out of my life, you've left footprints that I'll never get to erase. yes, my brain has this special memory stick that saves almost every of my friends but if the next time, perhaps 10 years later, if you come up to me and I don't seem to remember, please kindly remind me, will you? Don't worry, I'll try my very best to remember all of you. (:

Also thank you for every single moment of happiness, every drop of joy and every dash of love I've been blessed with.

to the youth; we're all in this together. may we be as close as we are and grow closer by the days.

to the best friends; you guys know too much, you'll always be best friends.

to the cousin who is also the blog buddy, camera buddy, pillow talk buddy, the second one who understands me the most besides the family; you're wonderful! I'm so blessed to have you as a little cousin sister. =)

and to the special friend; you're amazing! (:

your smile spoke for you.

Being one of the only two girls out of a bunch of guys in class today wasn't that bad, in fact it was can i say... fun? Yes, it was. It was exciting, entertaining and hilarious with a bit of humiliation. You don't know what sense from nonsense this people can think of. (:

Bio was amazingly fun because we had our time together, asking each other questions on bio facts. okay, more like the questions from the girls and answers from the boys. but nontheless, I enjoyed. And also because --- you know why.

And then being the not-so-nerdy-pure-science-students we are, we played charades for a while..My goodness, something funny and mind blowing happened.

*boy 2 whispers sentence to girl 2*
*girl 2 tries to act the word out*
*girl 2 does something that blew our minds away*
*girl 1 guesses*
*boy 1 and boy 3 keeps quiet, pretending to not know a thing*
*boy 4 wonders*
*girl 1 gets half of the sentence right*
*all laugh. oh my goodness can be heard! silent screams and laughter starts filling in*
*girl 2 laughs and blames boy 2*
*girl 2 continues acting*
*boy 4 tries to guess*
*girl 1 gets it right*
*boy 1 asks girl 1 a question referring to the answer*
*girl 1 gets a momentarily furious feeling and feels like hitting him*
but, girl 1 still loves you. (:

yes, they're my friends. and I treasure them with all I have.

today is a Friday.

and Friday's are our magical day.
to you, -insertmyinitial- you know what i mean.

because it ain't raining tonight.

today's just great and I couldn't ask for more. All thanks and praises goes to Him who arts above. (:

so I went to school today like any other normal day. but truth be told, I had a hunch that there would be something extraordinary about today. classes were on and off due to the amount of classmates present. And Ju came to school today after i-don't-know-how-long. =)

Surprisingly, what I thought was just a hunch the day before came true. And I thank Him for that.
Really, really am glad and thankful. No words can express my gratitude. Because not only that happened,

the blizzards started clearing up and as the sun light shone in, the rainbow started to appear. Although the rainbow may not be as clear and colourful as I had always wished for it to be, I'm sure it is a good sign. & you'll be my sunshine, always. (:

The Lord never fails me. He never fails to carry me through my weakest times, never fails to brighten up my darkness, never fails to bring happiness in my life when sadness starts pouring in, never fails to take away my doubts and worries, and there's just so much more that He has done for me. He has provided, cared and loved me despite the things that I've done. He, is my best friend. And it feels like we're always on a never ending phone call, without needing to pay the phone bill. Thank you Lord. You're my provider, my shelter, my Father.

today, despite having that uncontrollable feeling of something, I had my time. I don't know how to string those words into sentences neither do I know how to express every single tinge I have to you, but I just want to say thank you and ---

you'll always be mine.
;)

i remember.

you: remember this. jauh di mata, dekat di hati.

me: haha yea, like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

and there's so much more that made me smile.

your 18th chapter. (:

as you flip the pages in the book of your life,
I hope you'll pick up happiness and love along the way.
Don't forget to stop along the way,
for you never know what's in store for you.
Perhaps there would be presents and surprises unexpected,
but I hope you'll find that love that you long for. (:

Happy 18th birthday Sherina!

Thank you for all the times we had together, the memories we shared and being a part of this big family. Though at times we may reach certain disagreement, but it's good to know that at least through each other, we can share opinions and thoughts, expanding our horizon and learning through life together. And maybe at times I've been mischievous and naughty, but it's all of no bad intentions. It's just for the fun together! ;)

And with this, I hope that you'll have that wish of yours come true, that bucket of happiness always filled, that perhaps wounded heart and sorrows mended, and every friendship well knit together. I hope you'll have an amazing and more wonderful 18th year!

"when stingray's find their soul mate, they'll stick together; forever." (:

I have doubts, again.

you don't know how many times I turn to look at you today.

you don't know how many times I had to take a deep breath and let out a long sigh, trying to shove my thoughts away.

I wish I could just go up to you and pour everything out, but I know you'll deny and ask me to stop being sensitive.

Can't I be the upset one, for once?

you know, it hurts to see those happening right in front of my eyes, what more seeing you --
don't you ever care about how I feel?

Blame me, I know!
I guess there's nothing more I can do. ):

you, boyy! I'm sad not mad.

grey lines.

You don't want to read this. This is out of randomness and momentarily boredom. (:
The words are all connected based on my very own interpretation and what comes to mind first.

comfort-pillows-comforter-cold-sun-sweat-water-droplets-morning dew-sun rise-sun set-mountain top-rocks-winter-spring-flowers-yellow-dress-floral-green-trees-woods-lonely-shadows-shade-big trees-leaves-apple-worms-squishy-gummy bears-australia-sheeps-wool-white-black-dark-paper-wood-brown-skirt-shirt-iron-metal-potassium-palmitic acid-alkaline-hydroxide-oxygen-breath-lungs-smoke-death-blood-pain-happiness-smile-love-you. ;)

I could go on forever, but that's a good ending.

you made it real.

I was wishing, praying and hoping that a miracle would happen.

so, I made a wish yesterday morning and prayed that if it came true, then all the nonsense I have at the back of my mind are of nothing but plain nonsense.

& I'm a happy kid now!

yes, it came true; with just a matter of a few seconds before I nearly gave up, just before I left.

It may seem like a little girl's innocent wishes and thoughts, but this heart knows the truth and it feels like a fresh beginning.

black sugar paper.

I just remembered, somewhere last year, I received 23 messages as a form of scolding/advising/threatening from someone. It felt more like being scolded.

***

Jealousy has a very high potential in making someone go way above their limits.

It kills.

***

Perhaps someday, I'll realise that I wasn't cut out for this and I would get a clearer view of everything.

someday.

***

It's that time again,

wishing for a miracle to happen.

spend the night away.

the day before today;

heureux sei ヵ月 årsdagen, mon cher!

walk down the lane of life together.

snapped out of the daze.

how am I to tell you the truth?
That I've had enough, heard enough, seen enough and am tired of being used as an alternative way out.

I'm tired of being used as an escape route.

I'm tired of being labeled your accomplice.

Maybe it's time to put a full stop in this.

Because lately I have heard more than I expected-both from you and about you, enough to last me for at least a few centuries. It's sad to be in this kind of situation, especially after today's sermon on cultivating Godly friendships. Aren't we all taught to choose our friends wisely, to hang out and stay around the ones of good influence? I have never thought of you as a bad influence, remember that. Also, advices and words have been said which I have denied till now. I tried to stand up for you, and to speak on your behalf. But I guess you proved me wrong at certain points.

You're not that much of a bad person either, it's just that in my opinion, you're not that easy as a person. I know it's human nature to be jealous, to be moody, to be selfish or even to feel as if being neglected. But, have you forgotten that we're all humans and we too can do the same? Just that we all learn to control our feelings and be as happy and contented with what we are blessed with. Maybe you don't realise, but you often have your mood swings and truth be told, I find it hard to entertain you anymore. I just don't have the strength and energy to stay on and bear with you. I pity those you have bullied, you have scolded, you have said things behind their backs and even those that you complain about.

There's something else that I am not comfortable with.

I mean, what's so nice about imitating people? We are all different individuals, with different style and designation. Can't you just stick to being yourself and stop interfering in mine? Are friends made just to interfere our lives? I personally am sure it isn't, what say you?

Though you might be a little less fortunate than the majority of us, but you are also way fortunate than the majority of us. Don't waste energy to complain and spot the weaknesses in those that care for you, return their love and care instead. Trust me, it's more worth it. And they'll appreciate you more.

Do you know why the above paragraph was said to you? Because, perhaps sub-consciously, you have hurt those that cares for you with your words, expressions and behaviors. Not just once, but umpteenth times. And you always label me as your accomplice. Which I am not, I'm just a spectator from the sidewalks when I'm not one of those that you've hurt.

I've had enough and there are more words left unspoken, more sentences to you left hanging.

Running away, hiding in the bush or even being lost in your radar isn't an escape, neither an option nor a solution.

I admit, I'm afraid to confront you.

To stay on or to take a risk?

la vôtre

there's nothing in this world,
there's not another boy that could make me feel so sweet.

yesterday;
i wish, i wish upon a shooting star,
wonder whether the star got my wish tonight.

I'm sure the star heard my wish last night.

you're my favourite hello.

I have made up my mind.

This time, I hope it'll be a surprise that will take your breath away.

tell me something i don't know.

is today just made for me to reminisce about yesterday's memories and remember the past?

September 12,2006
what does it means if someone messages u daily even if there's nothing?

September 08,2006

for only 1 month, I'll be the same age as my friend..that friend will turn 16 next month..but,for now before that friend's birthday..i shall be the same age as that friend...appreciate this 1 month..but,no matter how..i will always be younger than that friend. sigh.

p.s* u guys know who is that friend ?

August 28,2006

i go to sleep with imaginations,i am accompanied by dreams when i sleep and i wake up with nothing. -m3.-

dreams that come through when I'm sleeping are mostly impossible to come through but some really did come through..those really sweet and those that i really want didn't come through..so,i guess I'll have to just continue dreaming and go on to imagine those wonderful things that maybe would not take place in my life..

-continue to wish upon the stars or just dream-
happy dreaming to me.

***
-full of dreams tonight.- i miss someone.

August 25,2006
你明白吗？

我一直都很想跟你讲我心里的话。

有时，我觉得你和我之间有些不可讲解的东西。可是，你总是那么的安静..老是把心情藏在心里。这样我真得很难明白你。

我已经尽力了。我真的真的真的很想坦白的跟你讲事实，但是，我怕你知道事实以后，你会远离我。

你可不可以主动来跟我讲话？每次都是我主动找你。。只有几次你自己来跟我谈天。你知道吗？你明白我的心情吗？

--
and the above were just being copied and paste from my old blog.

it feels funny knowing that all these aren't the important issues in my life currently.
but, I'll still treasure it all. (:

wear me a trench coat.

of the tears, flashbacks and memories..

how much does it hurt to be a sentimentalist?

I was studying until a shiny rectangle box caught my attention. That box had always been there, right in the middle of my study table, against that milky colored wall. but I just hadn't got the interest to open it up and browse through it. Until today, that I laid aside my book and my pencil and carefully lifted the box off it's original place. I knew it's content, but I just had a feeling of going through it one by one, again.

Lying inside that box were all photographs of friends, family and mostly loved ones, from when i was a baby till now. I remember why I kept them aside, because those photos were precious ones. they were photos I wanted to keep them by my side. And so I did, I went through them one by one as my favourite songs played in the background. Then, I had this sudden urge of rereading my old diary.

It really surprises me on how much I've been through and the fact that I've forgotten almost all of it despite it happening just 2 years ago. And I must have been living in a fog that I totally didn't realise that I took someone for granted. someone, a close friend, a friend who was always watching out for me and tying to help me out when I was in times of need. now I understand why I was asked that question, that question which my answer was a total let down to that someone.

I didn't know that I would have changed so much, met more amazing people, fall for someone else, done things I never thought I would do and be a whole new me.

I must have a magic drawer because besides my old diary, my collection of Archie comics, my CD's, my knick-knacks and the likes, I still have space for my old notes from primary school. I'm pretty sure everybody or anybody would have long thrown away those little notes written by 'i don't care much 12 year olds', except for me. So, I went through them again, rereading them one by one.

Today must have been added with a heavy dose of curiosity because despite trying to catch up on my syllabus, I felt the need to look through pictures, diary and old notes.

And I'm glad to say, I feel good.

cœur brisé

it hurts, I hate it.

it's killing me on the inside.

... and I'm going to hug my teddy tight.

monday mazes.

I would say, today's class was very different.

first off, we were the only form 5 class present in school today; with the 14 of us. we were allocated in the 'abandoned' class which is a classroom that we seldom use for classes. anyway, the class was dirty, dusty, messy & was practically a mosquito home. Lucky those guys who wore long pants & those who wore baju kurung. as for me, the mosquitoes were having a feast. ):

we had a little chem test, without a teacher.

after recess, was modern maths. teacher was late past her scheduled period & so we had 2 free periods. we were given some snacks from our class teacher, so guess what we did? we ate, read newspaper, did some extra work and chat the 2 periods off while the form 4's were having their finals and the form 3's with their PMR's. (:

I guess we're not that much of a budak baik, what more a nerd?
especially with SPM around the corner.

but, it was fun and definitely worth it, at least to me. :)

***

all the best to those in the midst of PMR!

ivan, the grown up cousin: 你说，十五岁的你，要努力读书。那你一定要努力加油，好吗？

joel goh: i don't think you'll get to see this, but as written in the card to you; our monkey king is definitely smart and we know you can do it. our very own joel einstein! after pmr, we shall feast on cheese, okay? xD

zhen bi: don't worry, just trust in Him and He will provide for you. We're sure you can do it too!

and to all our prefect juniors, all of you have been wonderful! All the best and take good care of yourselves. =)

***

the weekend was, let's just say... unexpected.

very unexpected, in two very different ways.

i guess, i just got to be ready for more of these surprises.

from here to there.

dear xxx,

I'm pretty sure you're in love all over again!

***

here we go again. I can't help to have that sort of feeling, that feeling only you know that I would have. And I was convincing myself that things weren't as I thought it was.

I guess, last night, you proved me right.

It's not like what I thought.





And again today, what's the matter with me?

because i'm following.

because i'm following you;
never letting go.

we'll make it a slow walk to enjoy and appreciate every moment of it,
but remember to tell me when you would like to let things run at a faster pace;
promise?

these sentimental notes to you.

I want to dream, write and write
and then drift away into my own fairytale,
into our fairytale.

because that's the second best place I long to be.

the best place?
you know where.

gone with the wind.

I caught the flu bugs,
mr. ex- assistant head prefect. (:
i think i know why, because i was there during chemistry, during our chem test;
while you were sneezing away, trying to get your head into the paper.

but it's okay, because we have tomorrow off!
time to kill 'em bugs!
---------------------

the day before tomorrow, the day after yesterday; today.

today to you;
you were there at the end of my chosen path.
I'm glad I chose to walk down that road,
when I could have continued to walk down in my old lane;
but that's why I found you.

18日にしている

you're 18 today! (:

Happy happy blessed birthday Aaron!

God bless you always & may you have a very amazing 18th year.

we were once little kids,
together; we played hide and seek.
though those were in the past,
I hope you had a blast.

;)

it's all blue inside.

I don't think you know.

but you're definitely trying to steal my teddy bear.

hush now.

Friday night was great! A dinner specially prepared by each of the youth except a certain someone who got his part of the food from somewhere. It was a pot bless, if you're wondering. So,we each made a dish or two and brought it along. It was a good 'family' dinner, with that usual long table style, under the moonlight with the sound of us chattering away and fits of laughter every now and then. It's been a while since it felt so good, so warm, so nice.

After dinner, all 13 of us sat down for pictionary. and my goodness, you would never believe these people; screaming, laughing away when one of the groups lands on the 'all play box'. It's exciting and exhausting, if you ask me, especially with these people. just had to highlight that word. (:

Saturday was yet another Saturday; just another Saturday.

and today's a Sunday. Isn't it supposed to be sunny? Guess things just don't work out this way.

had lunch with the youth after church. and and and

& some three of us including me teared while eating.
want to take a guess to why were we tearing?

***

au clair de lune, je vais rester par vous.
nous allons passer ici, les étoiles jusqu'à la perd de scintiller.

dee dum dum.

for one's reading pleasure alone;

1. What is the relationship of you and her?
cousin sisters.blog buddy.the other twin.

2. Your 5 impressions toward her?
-finicky eater.
-avid reader.
-vocab police.
-wonderful friend.
-amazing cousin.

3. The most memorable things she has done for you.
entertaining all my sudden meaningless quirks, staying up late just to talk..and the list goes on. (:

4. The most memorable things she have said to you?
"I, er, uh, well, um, uh, love, er, well, you." xD (i had to copy and paste that.)

5. If she becomes your lover, you will...
I'm pretty sure it will never happen. no if. =)

6. If she becomes your enemy, you will...
steal all her books.

7. If she becomes your lover, she has to improve on...
being more masculine?

8. If she becomes your enemy, the reason is...
I doodled in her books and perhaps revealed her little 'treasure'.

9. The most desirable thing to do on her is?
-minta maaf, siaran tergendala.-

10. The overall impression of her is...
refer to the equation in your birthday card! (:

11. How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
uhm..i really don't know.

12. The character of you for yourself is?
puzzling.

13. On contrary, the character you hate about yourself is?
for me to know, and for you not to find out.

14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is?
I'm contented with being me, myself and I. ;)

15. For the people who care about and like you, say something about them.
They're the source of happiness & warmth.

16. 10 friends to tag
all my imaginary friends.

further part of the tag have been removed because -

secret diary.

to the gentle lapping of the waves, will i fall into your arms again?

definitely.

loves,
elisa.

the friendship knot.

reunited.

between the alleys.

the following sentences that I'm going to string and pen them down here are of random thoughts.

you know they say, life is short so enjoy it to the max. that, is partially true to me. I mean in life, there's always the ups and the downs, it's like a roller-coaster ride. so, there's bound to be the happy times and the sad times. no one can escape the sad side of life. BUT, there's always an option. and that option is in your hands. you can choose whether to remain in the dull, depressing valley or you can choose to climb the free, happy and bright mountains. although it will take a lot of effort and hard work to climb from the valleys to the mountains, there's no harm in trying, or is there? perhaps there would be a scar or two, a wound here and there; but in the end it's all worth the effort of trying. but, those who sits on their throne of happiness all day long might never taste the bitterness of the back alleys. then again, who has never gone through the sad side of life? so, no matter how you're feeling; just make the best out of it. If you're feeling down, find happiness in the little, most pleasant things in life. and if you're feeling happy and all loved, spread the happiness and the love & don't let the down side bring you down.

It only takes a spark to ignite a flame. I think this works for both cases. when one's down and then someone comes along and adds salt or lemon to the wound [because lemon is painful too], it hurts even more. similarly, when someone's on cloud nine or happy and then someone or something comes up and adds honey to it even if it's just a drop, that someone in particular would be happier. I don't know if this applies to you, but it sure is true to me.

and then there's that saying 'life is the art of drawing without an eraser.' this is so true in the sense that it explains it all. everything that happened, happened. whether it is for a reason, I do not know. but, at times I still do reminisce about the past, whether it is good or bad, happy or sad. But, I need to say something here.

I know at times hurtful words weren't said on purpose. Notice I used 'at times' ? because some people are just so mean that they don't learn from their mistakes and go on hurting the people around them even before the previous wound have not recover fully. All you need to do is apologise. And perhaps before you say something, will you let that sentence run through your mind a second time? Maybe just maybe the filter system in your mind weren't activated the first time. Sorry for the illustrations used. Anyway, yes. Please think twice before you blurb out a sentence. because you never know what impact or effect it might leave to the people around you. Maybe it seems alright to you, but there's always someone more fragile than you are, someone weaker than you think they are, or maybe someone just waiting for you to break the final straw before they turn their backs against you. that wouldn't be nice, or would it? Perhaps you had fun in the first place hurting them, ignoring them or even playfully getting upset with them. But have you not forget that we are all humans and that we too have emotions which in turns gives us every right to feel and do the same thing you did to us? I'll leave it to you to ponder upon, hopefully you'll be more careful the next time.

p.s. part of this is written based on what i've learned this past month, as someone by the sidelines.

from the sidelines.

sometimes I just wish I could sit by the side bench and watch myself, as if I'm starring in my own life movie and then once a while comment or criticize the movie.

but that won't be happening anytime soon or rather it won't happen at all.

so, the closest I could do is to sit by the sidelines and let the world go by in motion while I remain still and calm, figuring out my next step.

will you, be a part of it?

you never know..

so it's the holidays! happy raya to all & to all a happy holiday! (:

which isn't much of a holiday to me since I gotta continue burying my head in the books. ):

anyway, let's just be happy today. the last few days was pretty exciting & fun. Saturday night was the birthday dinner with the other two cousin's which was good and the 'co-incidents' happening among the three of us. Sunday was great, too. went to church with the neighbour downstairs (kamu tahu kamu siapa kan? haha xD). wait, i forgot what happened after that. I only remember having worship, service then youth. before youth started, they were talking about eating steamboat and blablabla. after youth, left for the mall to meet up with my cousin & her friends. watched mamma mia! & the songs stuck in my head. the show was good, the company was amazing too! *mmm..my dad's cooking something & it smells good*

back to the show, the island was like my dream place; so serene, so breath-taking, so amazing! except that my dream place gotta have a few more criteria's. (; after the movie, we went to the bookstore since all 5 of us excluding the sister fancies reading. and as jian has said, it felt weird actually knowing every single person in the young adults aisle browsing through books. we left the store an hour or so later, each with books including the sister with her origami book. then, 2 went to craft haven, another 2 went to another bookstore while the remaining two had their super late lunch outside craft haven. met up with the parents & had dinner. came home and the rest is history. that, was my sunday; with the family and the cousin sister's friends. her friend's are friendly. :)

and then yesterday. what did i do again? ahh yes, came online, did random things, wrap my new books, watch tv, read archie's, read my new books, talk to someone. wait, did i mention studying? i think i didn't. ohh great, I haven't touch my books yet; got to start today then. someone's so lucky to get to go to the islands.I wonder who. =) make sure you send me a postcard. kidding! and then there's another someone who got to go overseas. now, who's that? xD i hope you both had fun and or is having fun!

so there's 'dinner' with the youth this Friday. It'll be fun, I'm sure.

with purple bells & white roses.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'm starting to miss you...

... a lot. (:

surprisingly amazing..

surprisingly amazing that not only the three of us are september babies;

we also co-incidentally did the same thing for each other.
it's like a love triangle,
but it's a cousinly love circle where we love each other
and there isn't a third party.

ohh, my examples are weird!

what happened was, the cousin brother's birthday dinner was tonight. and three hours before the dinner was scheduled, me and my sis rushed out with my mum to get him a present. well, a present for the cousin sister who turned 17 yesterday too. I actually had planned what to get for her birthday eons ago, but she somehow went and got herself that similar thing. With no idea what to get for her, i was chatting with her online & she told me one of the book she've been waiting for has just been released. That was when a bulb flashed above my head. drafted the book title in my phone and off we went to this gift shop which is really cool. anyway, couldn't find a single suitable thing for her and for him. because- ; i rather not mention the reason here. and then, within 5 minutes, we decided to turn to the mall & ran towards her dwelling place-the bookstore. got there, asked the lady for the book she wanted but it wasn't in store yet. so, went on a search for books that suits her. & thankfully, we did. got the cousin brother a present too from the same place & another christian outlet. Anyway, dinner was awesome! with 2 very different cakes, laughter, yummy food & loved ones.

the best part was;
during dinner. we then found out that all three of us got each other birthday presents from the same place on the same day-today- & almost at the same time. and that i assure you, isn't co-incidents!
and then the cousin sister was actually going to get me this book but didn't in the end because it wasn't in store at the bookshop she went to. BUT i got her that book instead! I even called her to ask her whether she knew the book, trying to pretend that i was getting it for myself. and she on the other hand, was trying to hide the fact that she knew it and was trying to get it for me. co-incidents, you say?

I say it runs in the family.

that boy. yes,that boy.

to : the only cousin brother who have been tagging along with us.

that boy who was once a tiny toddler,
who then became a playful yet quite little boy.
that boy who was once a growing kid,
but now a gentle young man.

Happy 15th Birthday, Ivan! (:

Now you're a grown up boy, a young man; not a little kid anymore. With issues like BIG love, friends and usual teenagers dilemma pouring in one by one, I hope you'll be strong in every step you take and every challenge you face. Always remember that your elder cousin sisters like me and Justine will always be by your side, you can always come look for us; right Justine?

& you'll always be that little cousin brother to us or rather just to me alone. =)

一岁的你，吃饱就睡呼噜噜。
两岁的你，只懂得吃糖果。
三岁的你，不认得我这个表姐。
四岁的你，每天只会看卡通片。
五岁的你，越来越可爱哦！
六岁的你，会开始跟我们玩了。
七岁的你，开始上一年级了。
八岁的你，高兴活泼。
九岁的你，可顽皮哦！
十岁的你，会作弄朋友了！
十一岁的你，跟我们有说有笑的。
十二岁的你，从小学毕业了！
十三岁的你，成熟了！
十四岁的你，每次都跟随我们逛街，看书，买衣，拍照留念。
今天你十五岁了！大概什么会发生呢？我们等这瞧吧，好吗?

lots of cousinly love,
elisa. (:
长大了，可别忘了我！

make me tear;

sorry; though it might not mean much to you.
But I really need to apologise for what I said.

you ask what happened to me? I told you why.
I know sometimes the truth hurts, but I for one knows what you said isn't the truth.

you're saying something that you don't mean.
And why would I know that?
Because I'm that girl.

yes, I'm that girl who have and will -

I'm not going to complete that sentence, it's for you to fill in the spaces and mark the full stop.
will you do it for me?

love, elisa.

as we break the silence;

as we break the silence and create sound waves together,
whether it is entertaining or irritating;
as we grow up together,
having fun or going through life's lowest point;
i dare say we've never grew apart and we never will.

from being born 18 days later than yours truly, to feeding on the same source of milk, to staring at each other innocently while most probably thinking 'who is she? why does she like to look at me?' even when as babies and we couldn't recognise each other, to going on family vacations together, to playing around with whatever we could find and nibble on together, to hanging out with our grandfather together, to fighting for chips with each other, to taking bath together, to sleeping together, to sharing the same kind of baby bolster that I believe we still have it now, to leaving long hair together, to collecting shells from the beach, to committing innocent crimes together and to having English grammar spelling test once in a while together by our mothers. Those were 10 years ago.

Now 10 years later and less,
we've had lots more being shared.
still, from playing around to laughing our heads off, to doing random things, to spending the night away staying up late just to update each other on our lives, to book shopping, to reading each others blog everyday, to calling each other, to comparing school work, to buying the similar outfits every now and then, to co-incidently getting the similar pair of shoes, to snapping photos when no one's around, to people watching, to going to colleges for further enquiries, to going for college interview on the same day, to complaining how tough add maths paper was, to digging each other's stuff and finding the other's 'treasure', to going crazy over something, to sitting next to each other at every family dinner, to making noise, to watching out for each other, to writing about each other, to planning the same outfit for family events, to planning on studying together, to fantasizing our future together, to being there for each other, to enjoying plane rides together, to still falling asleep in each other's company when we're too exhausted to stay up, to remembering each other's bizzare childhood dreams (more like me alone), to comforting each other when in need, to assuring each other that we'll be fine and God will take care of the rest when in trouble, to determining our ambitions together, to randomly taking each other's picture, to teasing each other, to bore each other with stuff like introducing more books than I can ever contain *ehem ehem*, to sharing secrets, to making our parents get upset at us, to attending fashion shows together, to sharing one cup of starbucks together, to sharing the similar hairstyle, to staying up past 12 just to wish each other a very happy birthday, to -

as you can see, the list is never ending. I could go on and on but you would've probably fallen asleep by then. (:

but,
for the finale;
it is to getting you into a skirt and dress. looks like i've succeded in getting you into a skirt. (:

I dare say I've enjoyed it all and can't wait for more to come.

Happy 17th Birthday, Justine!

From being a young 16 year old girl,
to a fine, sophisticated 17 year old young lady;
from everything we've shared together,
to everything we're about to go through together;
all I have for you is,
I love you dear cousin! (:
(this didn't require a chocking hazard xD)

You've certainly been a very good friend, loved one, closest cousin, my counsellor, my best friend and so much more you've been throughout the years. As well as being my childhood playmate. I hope we'll always be this close although we might be parting ways and leaving our very own lives. But, i'll be a call away. And perhaps fly over to the States for a visit. If you ever suceed in being a geologists, and me as a chef; as promise, I'll invent a special easy-to-cook receipe for you alone so you can prepare it on your research trips. And if i get into being what I aspire to be, I'll tag along with you and you with me for road trips, shall we?

I hope you've had a very awesome 17th birthday! God bless you always and forever.

Now to count the minutes to tomorrow, where we'll meet up and celebrate another closest cousin's birthday together!

Yes, co-incidently or rather surprisingly amazing, we're all September babies.

empty all over again;

I wanted to say something.

but, I forgot what.

it's empty all over again,
if only it could be full AGAIN.